If your dreams don’t scare you…

Dream Big...I’ve had a lot of dreams! I’m very idealistic and from the age of 14 I’ve dreamt big and who’s to say there is something wrong with dreaming big.

I wanted to be a film producer…I wanted to turn my favourite book into a feature film and have my own company and that was when I was 14! Can you imagine how big they became?

This dream continued until I was 19 when reality smacked me in a face with a door that said ‘you don’t know me’. So I began to dream smaller (well kind of).

When you are 14, the world is your oyster and you are encouraged by friends, parents, teachers to pursue your ideal fantasy! Believe me when I say there were times when I wished I’d wanted to be a lawyer or a doctor, for me they seemed a lot more attainable.

I had this friend at the time who encouraged me to never give up on something that made my whole body shake with fear almost. It sounds crazy but there is a lot to be said for feeling scared about your dreams. My dream when I was 21 was to walk onto the Harry Potter film set as part of the crew and I had contacts but it just wasn’t the right time in my life and sadly marriage and a family became my new dream if you like and I turned my back on ever working in the film industry.

Time is a great healer and although I tried to go back to education some years ago, it never felt right financially or emotionally but I discovered a love for marketing and events and September 2013 I began my first step towards a strong career in marketing as I returned to university.

Wasn’t the easiest of decisions, 3o hours a week job, two kids, a husband and home to look after but it was kind of now or never moment and I grabbed on with both hands and despite my reservations in the beginning I’m really loving it and its the best decision I’ve ever made.

But it’s made me re-think my life after university. Both my children will be in school and I was tempted to stay locally for the first year or two and then work in London but now my passion for film has resurfaced and I want to work in distribution or film marketing so this is ideally London unless I find a marketing agency first and move across. Oh its such a confusing time and the thought of actually getting where I want to be is scary. To work on a the marketing of a major feature film scares the hell out of me.

It’s always been so unattainable and now it actually could be within my grasp, I’m scared that life will change (obviously) but not the way I’d hope.

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Friends…

People walk in and out of our lives from the age of 3 or the age of 103, its envitable that we lose people along the way despite our best efforts. It should be easier these days with the introduction of social media like Facebook, twitter etc. We should have no excuse but we do…

I’m in my 30’s and its fair to say that I’ve been around a while. I’ve had different friendship groups.

1. Cousins are your first friends

2. Neighbours, you know the kids that you hang out with in the summer holidays

3. Childhood school friends, the ones you meet on your first week at infant school

4. High school friends, you get split up from your old friends and put with some random newbies but by Halloween its old friends who!

5. College friends, you should have lots in common for a start you both want to study the same thing but it becomes a juggling act between school friends and college friends

6. University friends, the group I have never had the fortune to have but they extend your circle and introduce you to a world of partying, late night study sessions and leave you with no food in the fridge

7. Work collegues, you spend 9 to 5 with them you ask about home life, dogs, cats, kids and if you’re lucky you get invited out for drinks on a friday night.

8. Neighbours, you buy a new house and instantly your next door neighbour sticks their head over the fence or in the back of the car in an attempt to attempt to introduce themselves.

9. The social networking friends, you don’t know them very well sometimes friends of friends or just people you met in the queue at work.

Friendships evolve. I believe you are very lucky if your best friend has known you since you were 5!

School friends – I met my best friend at the age of 15, a month before my 16th birthday and we clicked. Unfortunately though she has to be the most popular people pleaser in the world. She has three best friends, myself (the old school friend, Jenny the  girl she met at work who was her drinking buddy and Rachel the other more mature drink buddy.

I’m the married friend with two kids, a mortgage and a job so she expects me to be  the cheap night out or night in friend but having two kids I spend either every night at home or every night at work! I want a few drinks and a chat. So I’ve  always accepted that Jenny is the girl she wants to go partying with and Rachel is whatever.

Work friends – Never really managed to build a solid friendship at work. Until the hotel. They will be my friends for life! They are 12 years younger than me but they remind me so much of what it felt like to be so carefree.

Why do some friendships flourish? I met someone at a previous job never expecting us to ever be friends and then we clicked and I miss him. We never quite managed to build the friendship to a more proactive level. When I visit he reminds me of why I still go back and when I left he made me cry. We’re just friends and I don’t feel any more for him but I wonder if I’d stayed would we have grown closer?

It makes me think about why certain people stay in your life and others are just destined to be Facebook friends who you never think about until they update their statuses and you think ‘blimey haven’t thought about you in a while’.

And then there are the friends who at one point were your universe, everything was great but over time the friendship just slowly died!

I guess my Dad is right (although I’d never tell him that) that we do make friends throughout our lives and some are destined to stay and others are destined to go. I just hope that the friends in my life now aren’t the latter!

Sometimes we do things…

timthumbWhen your 16 everything, even the littlest thing seems so much more than it is…

From first kisses to goodbyes.

So why as we grow up do with loose those feelings? What I wouldn’t give to feel 16 again and experiencing love for the first time. To have all those feelings charging through my body all at once, pushing their way to the surface. To not feel so…

To not feel like that’s it, that for the next 50 years this is what I have…normal! From school runs to ballet lessons, from work to cosy nights in. There is nothing wrong with normal but then I didn’t get to feel 18, 19, hell even 20! I was with Nick from such a young age and he was a stay in, movie kind of guy and I never had university friends or girlie friends who wanted to go out. I know its bad, I know that thinking about this now will ultimately leave me feeling empty and miserable. I have two kids to think about and a husband. I can’t just wish the last 13 years of my life away!

See 13 years! That’s scary all by itself. I have friends who are 18/19 and I see them and I’m envious of the life they will lead. I tell them, look just party now and think about life later. I’m not the girl I was back then, I am but in a lot of ways I told myself I was okay with normal and easy and stable but what I was screaming for was exciting, dangerous and the complete opposite, what can I say I miss the drama in my life!